Morning Ramble

Okay, I am gonna write something and post it and not leave my dashboard empty.

Feels like I got a little sleep last night.  I don’t feel near as tired as I did yesterday.  Maybe I can get motivated then to get things done.  And maybe even take a walk, even though it is frickin cold outside.

Woke up with a stuffy head.  Could barely breathe, but could smell enough to notice something didn’t smell right.  Apparently there was a skunk somewhere last night.  Hopefully he isn’t dead on the road, and just walked through our yard.   And Hopefully he is gone.

Will be home til just after lunch today.  It is fundraiser day at school and I have to go in to hand out the hoagies for a while.  Then it is cello lesson.  Then I think we will stop by Grandma’s, then come home.  We’ll see what I can get done in the morning.  I really need to do laundry, so I guess that is a good place to start.

I’m really glad I woke up feeling somewhat rested and not totally exhausted like yesterday.  Makes a huge difference in how my day goes.

The other morning there was a gorgeous sunrise.  One of those ones where you just know there is a God.  I took a picture, but of course, it didn’t do it justice.  Not even close.  So I tried a little photoshop and this is pretty close.  We have a great view out our living room window.

Oh, and just so you don’t think my blog is all happy cheerful now, Dick told me last night he is tossing aroound the idea of going back to night shift.  He has until this afternoon to go back to his old shift.  Crap.  Seems he HATES the job he gets on daylight, but loves the job he gets on night shift.

Just these past couple days he has been on daylight he has been easier to live with.  He seems to be more relaxed and just generally happier.  I don’t feel like I am going to get my head bit off every time I open my mouth.  He was even joking with youngest yesterday.

Guess it comes down to unhappy at work, happy at home vs. happy at work, unhappy at home.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping he chooses us over work.  You just never know…..

Tired and Stressed

I keep coming to my dashborad, and then leave w/o posting anything.  I am tired.  I know, I say it all the time.  But I really am.

Having Dick on day shift is good for him.  He does seem to be in better spirits, although he does fall asleep about 7:30 on the couch.

However, having him on dayshift is not good for me.  With his snoring, I get to sleep on the couch.  I’m not sleeping good on the couch yet.  And the night sweats…well, they make me hot.  I thought the time change would help me out, but so far, it hasn’t.

Add on top of that the bazillion things I am trying to get done.  At once, of course, and it’s no wonder I am stressed and tired.  I actually do say no to quite a few things.  But what I am taking care of now, well those things are important to me.

I do know though, that this time of year I have to say no more often.  And so I am heading to a meeting later this week and telling them that I can’t do it all.  And if someone doesn’t step up to take on a couple of the things that are planned, well, they just aren’t going to get done then.

I can’t do them.  They are stressing me out, trying to find time to get them done.  And when I am stressed I am tempted to eat.  And eat and eat and eat.  Whatever is on hand.  And I don’t need that.  And I don’t want to do that.

I want to stay in control of my life and be able to handle what comes my way.  I don’t want to be stressed into binge eating because I can’t handle things I shouldn’t have to do.

So today I am going to work.  No extra curricular stuff.  Yes, painting relaxes me.  I am good at it,  I can clear my mind and focus on what I am doing and I can actually get some work done.  My holiday rush hasn’t hit yet, but it is coming….I need to be rested, calm and prepared.

Blogging the Stress Away

Okay, so my hair doesn’t look as bad since it is scrunched and dried.  It’ll do.   It’ll fade and grow out.  At least it doesn’t look as bad.  And I don’t look like a witch.

Sravanthi commented on how Dick helped with my hilights.  Several years ago, when my hair was long, I asked him to help color my hair.  This was when he only touched me when he….you know….wanted something.  So he said, sure, if I (meaning me) would sit there topless.  Guess what?  I colored my hair myself and never asked for help again.

Perhaps if he would have just helped me with no strings attached, he would have gotten lucky.  As it was, I colored my own hair and he got nuthin.

Today is turning into a whole lotta stress.  Too much going on and I can’t seem to get an organized handle on it.  I figured before I raided Youngest’s halloween candy, I would write about it and hope that that helped.

I take everything I do seriously.  And I try to do everything to the very best of my ability.  And if you ask me to do something, you can count on me.  It will get done.  I have super reliable.  Maybe even reliable to a fault.

It just means that I make sure everything that needs to get done, gets done, even if I have to do it myself.  And it just piles up stress on me and I know better than to let it get to me, but it does anyway.

I am delegating more this year than I ever have, but people don’t want to make decisions w/o contacting me for my opinion, which is nice, but that’s why I delegated that task….so I wouldn’t have to think about it.  I don’t have time to think about everything.

I’ve been up for hours and I still have yet to pick up a paint brush.  Won’t tell you what I paint, that’s TMI, but suffice it to say if I don’t paint, I will be behind and that equals even more stress.

I thought about going for a walk to get out of here, but I really don’t have the time.  And in fact, I really don’t have the time to write this, but screw it.  I have to do something here before I eat all the reeses I can find.

Thank God the phone quit ringing….at least for now.  I’m sure it will start again.  Oh well, I’m thinking I feel a little better now.  Once I get a brush in my hand and concentrate on that, I’ll be better.  Thanks for listening : )

My Hair

So I colored  my hair saturday morning.  The light ash brown had faded to orange, and it just looked bad.

I got the cheapy color I had used over the summer, because I wasn’t happy with how the little more expensive stuff faded.  Light ash brown is a good color for me.  Not too dark, looks (almost) natural.   I’ve used this color and brand before.

I let it sit on my head for the required time for stubborn grays, and then rinsed it out and conditioned my hair.  Rinsed that out and let my hair dry.

Holy crap, it was DARK.  Way darker than I expected.  Too dark for me and my pale, fair-skinned self.  I looked like a witch!  Which was amusing since it was October 31st.

Not too worry, I knew I could correct this with a few hilights.  That would brighten things up.  So after church sunday, I went to the store and got the hilights.   Later in the afternoon I started hilighting my hair.

Usually Oldest is around to do the back for me.  But not yesterday.  I had informed Youngest she would get the job, and she was not pleased.  Sheesh, it’s not that bad.  Luckily for  her, Dick got home from work just as I got to the back of my head, and he did it.

And then he went around touching up the sides.  I should have just told him to leave well enough alone.  It’s not his fault, really.  At least I don’t think it is.  I could have had the hilights on the sides terribly uneven before he got home.

Anyway, when I rinsed it out and let my hair dry, one side is a nice brown color with streaks of a lighter color.   The other side is mostly…..orange.  *sigh*  The color I was trying to cover up.  Honestly, I don’t know why I even bothered.

At least my hair is curly and that will “hide” most of it.  I’ll see really how bad it looks after my shower today.  Wonder how much hair color hair can take??????

It All Works Out

So yesterday did not go as planned.  As I planned.  I need to remember that I am not in charge.  Especially this time of year.

And things will work out.  If I give up and just go with it.  Surrender is a good word for it.  I am not in charge.  God is.

And I wrote this post this morning, but didn’t get a chance to finish what I wanted to say.  Although, after rereading it, there wasn’t much more to say.

Today wasn’t as productive as I would have liked.  For work, that is.  But it was productive for other things I needed to get done.  It’s all okay.

I have to remember to just relax….it all works out in the end.

One of Those Weeks

It’s only wednesday and it is already “one of those” weeks.  You know, the ones where nothing goes right.  Things are almost right, but not quite.

And that leaves me with work I have to re-do.  And that puts me behind.  And that stresses me out.

Add on top of that, Dick is being a dick, and I just want to cry.

I could use a little support right now.  Not more pressure.

I don’t think I was writing here at wordpress last fall.  For the next few months, my life is super stressful.  It is THE busy time of year for my business, different organizations I volunteer for have activities, and generally, there just isn’t enough time in the day for everything.  Oh, and let’s not forget I have Thanksgiving here at my house.  And it gets dark really early.  blech.

I always make it through.  Barely.  Hanging by a thread.

So, if I don’t post as often, don’t worry.   However, as this blog keeps me sane, I will most likely try to get rid of the stress here.

I most likely won’t be commenting too often.  I’ll keep reading blogs because I need that break, but commenting takes me too long.  Just know I am reading your blogs that are on my blogroll.  Maybe I’ll just leave you a few (((((hugs))))) instead of a comment.  Then you’ll know I was there

And now I better publish this and get my day started, and redo the work that needs redone.  *sigh*

Walking

*sigh*

Did not get out for a walk yesterday.  I should have.  But I couldn’t get myself moving.  It was a beautiful day too…..I did go outside and scoop the poop though.  Maybe today….

I am finding as the weather gets colder, I am having a hard time motivating myself to keep walking.   I liked walking in the evening, after all my work was done.  With it getting dark so early, and next week will be earlier still, I have to try and walk in the afternoon.

It’s hard for me to find the time during the day.  I can make time, I suppose, but then I am thinking of all the stuff I should be doing while I am walking.  Just isn’t relaxing as it used to be.  Plus, this time of year, I have so much to do, spare time is at a minimum.

Of course, you could argue I need to make time for myself, so I am revitalized to do what needs to be done.  And so I don’t feel so stressed.  But I am getting stressed trying to get out and walk.  Evil circle, isn’t it?

I guess I’ll see what happens day to day…..at least I am doing my stepper at night every other day or so.  Better than nothing at all.

Argh

Too much going on all at once.  Argh.  Feeling a wee bit stressed this morning.

Stress does not = cheesecake.  Stress does not = cheesecake.  Stress does not = cheesecake.

Stress = a nice long walk down the road this afternoon.

One of Those Weekends

Yes, we did make cheesecake.  Last night, so we could have some today.  Or, so I could have some today.  Youngest helps me make it, but doesn’t ever have any   More for me, I suppose.  Well. more to freeze, anyway.

We make it in pie dishes.  And end up with a big one and a little one with the recipe I use.  Last night I made the little one chocolate.

Oh my, it is divine.  And oh so rich.  We did a good job   Now I just have to slice it up and freeze it before I eat it all.  Which would be impossible, because it is so very rich.

Aaaah, it’s been one of those weekends.  Saw Dick for a bit yesterday, then he took off for camp and card games this morning.  Yesterday, he had one whole hour of sleep and then insisted on coming to the softball game with us.  And had to drive of course.

When he is tired and driving towards the city, well, it’s a double whammy.  Not road rage, but snide comments about every other driver out there.  Negative comments about everything under the sun.  Basically, it sucks to be stuck in the car for 45 minutes when he is like this.

Youngest and I had been planning on going to the store after the game, and I mentioned this to him.  Before we left.  Hoping he would stay home and sleep.  But no, he said he’d come along.   Crap.  What could be worse than going into Walmart on a saturday afternoon?  Going with Dick.

Too many people.  Too many old people.  Too many people in the aisles.  You get the gist.  Anyway, we ran into Sam’s club and after hearing him complain about traffic and people, I said we didn’t need to go anywhere else.  Just go home.

Let’s see, and he said why?  How do you tell someone because you’re a negative asshole and I can’t stand shopping with you?  I don’t know, I mumbled something generic.  And then he accused me of being tired or depressed.  And not looking at him when I talked. (maybe so he could read my lips, since he never hears what I say.)

Blah, blah, blah.  Being out with him depresses me.  Brings my whole mood down.  It shouldn’t be that way.  But it’s back to that walking on eggshells thing again.  Afraid to say anything, in case it is the wrong thing….but if you don’t say anything, that’s wrong too.  Lose, lose.

Anyway, seems he got the idea we don’t like to do things with him, and that’s when he decided to go to camp with the guys, instead of church with us.  Not sure if I should be happy or sad about that.  Just don’t know.  Life is easier when he is not here…..but shouldn’t we try to be a family?  I don’t know.

And the sermon in church left me feeling like a failure.  A failure in my marriage.  God has put me in this vocation of marriage, and I am failing at it.

I know I am not trying right now.  But I really don’t know what to do.  I mean, I know what I should do, but that damn voice in my head reminds me of what happened the last time.  Or the time before that, and I don’t want to go there again.

I don’t want to feel little and worthless and stupid and retarded.  And so I do nothing.  I am not trying to make things better.  I am not trying to change things.  I just let them go on.  And we each are unhappy and live our own lives.

I feel like I am letting God down.  I should be trying to make the most of this life.  Living my life for him.  And I don’t know that I am.

And again, this post went off on its own…..and it is making me bleary eyed, and making me think, and I think I will end it now and go to bed.  And sleep on all of this.  Well, not the cheesecake.  I’ll eat that in the morning.  Just a slice

Weekend Stuff

Aaaah, tis the weekend.  Last softball game this afternoon.  It is the playoffs.  Not expecting great things since our team has not won a single game and has only scored a few runs.  But, we (I say we like I am actually playing.  LOLOL.) they are playing the larger school districts in the area, and ours is little.  Plus, the coaches tell us, our team is young and will only get better.  Whatever.  All that really doesn’t matter to me….as long as the girls are having fun.  And getting some exercise.

Nothing else is planned for this weekend.  For a change.  Seems we’ve been on the run for the past couple months.  It will be nice to spend some time just doing what we want to do, not what we have to do.

I’m getting a craving again for cheesecake….debating if I want to make one or not.  I should just do it now, while the craving is small.  The longer I wait, the bigger it will get and when I finally do make it, I will eat it all in one sitting.   Guess I’ll dig out the recipe and see what I need.

Dick said he might be able to get back on dayshift.  I said “HALLELUJAH!”  And he asked me why?  Because for the past however months that seem like forever you have been a tired miserable SOB and we can’t stand being around you.  Okay, I didn’t say that to him, but that’s what went through my head.

I said, “You never get enough sleep and you are always tired and cranky.  Nightshift isn’t good for any of us.”  Actually it sucks, sucks, SUCKS!

I know lots of people work the nightshift.  I don’t know how you do it.  Here is a virtual pat on the back…..you are doing something I could never do.  I can’t stay up past 11pm and I can’t sleep if the sun is up.  Good for you for doing what ever you have to….really.

And I think that is the end of my thoughts today.  I feel a stiff neck and headache coming on, so I am going to take a couple motrin and see what I can get done before we leave for softball.  I sure hope it is done raining like they say it is…..