Hurt

My SIL (SIL#1) is getting remarried this year and is busy planning her wedding.  We are not blood related, but I thought we were close.  We see each other every week and talk about everything.  I don’t have any sisters, so I always considered her one….

It’s not that I am mad, or angry….well, see, I found out from her sister (SIL#2) that SIL#1 and her fiance took them out to dinner at a fancy retsuarant to check it out for the reception.  She never said a word about it to me.  Not that we would have gone, but it would have been nice to be asked.  We would have paid our own way.   And we actually only live 2 miles from SIL#2 and could have ridden together…..I don’t know….

And then today, SIL#1 was here for a couple hours working.  We talked about the kids, we chatted about wedding plans.  Then she left.  When Dick got home, I found out from him that his mom, SIL#1, SIL#2 and their 2 daughters were all going out shopping for wedding dresses.

I’m sad that I wasn’t asked.  And a little hurt.  I’m sure she just has so much on her mind that she just isn’t even thinking of asking me.  I guess.  I just feel excluded.  I’ve been in the family for almost 30 years, and being left out of some of this hurts.  And it makes me sad.

And so I thought would write it down here and let it go….before it makes me want to eat.  And eat.  And eat.

Tired Again

So I haven’t been sleeping well.  On the couch.  For a while I was sleeping like a log on the couch.  I wasn’t even hearing Dick leave for work.  And the living room is right over the garage.

Now I am restless, and every little sound wakes me.  Plus I am HOT.  Again.  Argh.  I had hoped the night sweats had passed, but now they are back again.  In full force.

It sucks.  You wake up hot and sweaty, so you kick the covers off.  Then you get the chills because your skin is damp, so you cover back up.  And then it starts again.

I’m tired.  Tired and sleepy.  And tired of this whole getting older thing.  I wish it would just be over and done with.

Today

I am feeling cranky and irritable.  Plus I want to eat everything in the house.  Then I get depresed, because I know I can’t eat all that crap.

I am thinking maybe something is coming due next week…..yippee yahoo.  I wish it would just quit.

A life without tampons and pads…..sounds like heaven, doesn’t it?

Ugh

For 2 days I had no where to go and my hair looked great.

Today I have places to go and people to see and my hair looks like shit.

I hate my hair.

I heart Winter

I am not an outdoorsy person, but I love winter.  I love the whiteness of the snow and the chill in the air.  It is my favorite season.  Okay, it is tied with fall.

Some people wait for winter to end.  Not me.  I like staying holed up in my house.  I love turtlenecks and sweaters.  I like the thought of maybe getting snowed in.

I’ll never move south.  I like to visit the beach, but I’ll never move from where I am.  I like the seasons and would miss the cold weather.  It’s part of me.

This all sounds funny to me since I don’t ski, or snowboard or anything like that.  But we got a fresh inch of snow overnight and it makes me happy to see all the mud (and dog poop) and general ugliness of the winter hidden under a clean white blanket.

Wonder if there is some hidden meaning in all this for me….I’ll have to think about it.

Looking in the Mirror

I struggle a lot with my self image.  At 108-110 lbs, I KNOW I am not fat, but when I look in the mirror, all I see is my fat stomach.  Which is way smaller than it was last year.

How do I get past that?  I keep telling myself I am not fat.  I have to buy junior clothes, because misses size 6 is too big.  My head knows I am a good weight, but my eyes see something different.

I cannot lose more weight.  It would not be a good thing for me.  Probably I need to get the exercise going….and then my weight would stay the same, but my body would change.  Maybe that is what I need.

And heck, I’m 47 yo, when do I finally accept myself????  Does that ever happen?

Wish I wasn’t so lazy (about exercise).  Wish things would be easy…..

It’s a….

Rainy, gloomy sunday.  Yuk.  I hate rainy days.  It’s always hard for me to get and stay motivated on gloomy days.  I need sunshine…..

I think I’ll be editing some pics today to update my website.  I’m syre I have some paperwork that needs done too.  Still don’t feel like painting…..but that can wait until tomorrow.

I did laundry yesterday…..got all 4 loads done by bedtime.  Yay for me : )  As I was putting it all away this morning, I started pulling out the clothes I knew were too big.  I have a great big bag to pass on now.

Still have a few things I should pass on, but just can’t part with yet.  Maybe when the warm weather comes and I have to make room…..we’ll see.

Not much going on today….maybe something will happen that I can write about : )

It’s Saturday

It’s saturday and we have no plans.  We rarely have weekend plans.  I suppose it’s good, but it also gets depressing….no one wants to “play” with us

This morning I spent over an hour cleaning up the filthy dirty supplies that came earlier in the week so I could use them.   Yuck, belch, pooey.

Then I went out and scooped the dog poop for an hour.  Now that the snow is gone, we can see the yard and it is gross.

Now I have laundry going…..ain’t life exciting?  I am determined not to paint today, though.  I seriously need a break from that.

Maybe Youngest will want to play wii with me later…..I need a good book to read……

My Week at Work

It’s been a long week…..because of the teacher’s strike, our schools did not have monday off.  In fact, there are no days off until Good Friday, and then that’s it until Memorial Day.  Makes for a looooong spring.

Anyway, been one of those weeks where things are just going not-quite-right.  That would be business-wise I suppose.  Life in general is okay.  I’m just getting tired.  Tired of working and working and working.  Same old complaint….tired and stressed.

I had supplies come that I had ordered from same old supplier and they looked like UPS had dropped them in the dirt, rolled them around in it and them just tossed them all back in the box.  Yes, the box looked broken.

Supplies are still usable, but will need cleaning up.  After taking pics and sending them to supplier, he told me he was out of packing supplies and SENT them that way.  Seriously, it looks like he dug the styrofoam out of the ground,  It is THAT dirty.  Argh.

And if one more customer asks where their order is…..well, I will scream.  Thank goodness my business is online and I don’t talk to my customers face to face.  Not proud of what I say in the comfort of my home.

But you know what?  I already paint all fucking day long and I can’t paint while I am sleeping and it is not MY fault you waited until the last minute to order a HAND PAINTED gift you need for tomorrow.  NOT MY PROBLEM!  Plan ahead people, plan ahead.

Just one of those weeks…..I don’t want to work today, but if I don’t I will have to work tomorrow.  I would rather take the weekend off and spend it with Youngest and maybe Dick, so I will pick up the brush and finish the one big order that is spread all over the kitchen table.

I know I am lucky to be able to work at home.  I know I am lucky to have a successful business doing something I love to do.  Just sometimes, I wish I worked a regular job where I worked for someone else and when I left work, I left work AT work.  And it wasn’t always here reminding that I should be working every minute of ever day….

On a side note, I had part timer do all my packing and shipping this week.  That was hard….letting her take that over.  I am going to try and keep her on until I am really slow.  We’ll see……so that’s good but, packing would always give me a short break from painting.  This week, no breaks and while I am getting a lot painted, I am feeling BURNT OUT.

Thank goodness there are no cookies in the house, I would have eaten them all.  In fact, I think I did, that’s why there aren’t any.  *sigh*  At least my clothes still fit.

Tuesday Morning

This past weekend was not a good eating weekend for me.   Well, to be honest, the past 2 weeks have not been good for me and my weight.  I know I had a couple pounds leeway, but I would rather NOT gain the extra weight.  I would rather just maintain….

So I am starting to eat salads again.  Gave those up for a couple months because they were too time consuming to fix and eat, and I just didn’t have the time when I was super busy.

Dick bought me some Chilean nectarines, and they taste pretty darn good.    Have yogurt in the fridge for my sweet tooth.

Hopefully I will get back on track.  And get back to exercising regularly.  I know once a week is not enough…..just can’t seem to get motivated.  But I will.  I will NOT outgrow the new clothes I have.  I won’t do that to myself.

And something completely unrelated…..we finally took our tree down yesterday.  *sigh*  Our living room is so empty now.  Still have some Christmas decorations to pack up here and there, but most of it is gone now.

I am still listening to Christmas music on my ipod.  I told Youngest I wanted to get through my Christmas playlist one more time, then we could be done with it.

I LOVE Christmas music.  It soothes my soul : )  I want to close my eyes and just listen to it…..which I can’t do because I have my ipod plugged into the car radio, but I do still sing along.  No particular favorite.   I like them all : )